I'm not your average Type A overachiever. I'm pretty happy doing nothing much at all for very long stretches of time, and I can't say I've achieved anything particularly out of the ordinary in my life.
But, when I do decide I want something, and want it badly, something changes in me... laid-back me transformes into a steely, focused monster with Cyclops eyes that burn everything in my path until I get that thing or achieve that goal, right NOW.
It's always been that way with me, there just has to be that moment of "switch". Weight loss - not a problem at all. After the 'switch' I can stare down a piece of chocolate cake and nibble carrots at barbecues. Saving to go overseas? Not a drama. Within 6 months penniless student-me had $10k. Same with buying our house. And same with having our first baby.
But this time it's different. 6 months into trying for our second and still no luck. My house is littered with OPK's, and fertility forums are my new best friend. The Tradie is typically unfazed by it all but you know what.... it's REALLY GETTING MY GOAT!
Never before has getting something I want been such a ginormous pain in the butt. It's not just a case of deciding on an extra family member and them appearing "poof!" like magic (no I didn't really think this, but part of you does). This... is out of my control and that's scary. I can't just read up on it, set my mind to it and make it happen. Fertility, as it turns out, is a fickle bitch.
I'm beginning to realise just how much incredible luck played a part in our first, almost-instant pregnancy rather than any sort of calculation or planning. And so, I must close my Cyclops eye and practice some Zen, I guess.
AF arrived again this morning (those who know, will know what this is, and those who don't, I probably don't particularly want you knowing) and flushed away another month's dream, negated another month of frantic bonking and left me feeling pretty useless, again.
But I can already feel the optimist in me rise up because that's just who I am. It's only been 6 months! You already have one child! (yes, that does in fact take the edge off the desperation... but doesn't stop your heart craving another). Each month is further away from 'birthday crush season jan-march'! It won't be an Aries, whom I'm apparently not compatible with! (scraping the bottom of the barrel now)
And finally, I won't waste that crate of mixed whites I bought on a whim from Cudo!
(hmmm... that is actually a comforting thought)