Saturday, July 18, 2015

Clinging onto myself

There are many in the mummy world who feel like they do too much.  No time to themselves, always thinking of others... is it weird, or even a little abhorrent maybe that I think that I do the opposite?

I scramble to retain myself too much, I put myself first (to a certain degree).  As long as the kids are comfortable, fed etc. (so I suppose I do put them first with basic needs) I need and fight for MY SPACE, my time. Sometimes I even push them away, or in particular Scarlett, to get that... No, I don't want to play.  I want to read this magazine. No I will not do your nails, I'm finishing my coffee that I JUST made. I'm off to the gym.  No... I love you, but just no....

Here's the truth:  I don't like to play with my kids. I like to TALK to them.  I like to cuddle them.   I will colour (begrudingly); I will read books. I don't mind a board game occasionally.  I just despise 'playing', particularly imaginative games like "schools" involving My Little Ponies.   Who are these parents who "play" and seem to enjoy it?  I missed that gene.

In fact I primarily gave birth to child number 2 specifically so number 1 would have someone other than me to play with.  So far, that's not working out so well. (why didn't anyone tell me?!)

Does the fact that I don't like to play make me a bad mum? 

I can pinpoint many other times I'm not selfish.  If I'm watching a movie or eating I won't complain about pausing 190 times or letting my food go cold to get them drinks, change bums, wipe faces.  I will always make sure they have what they need before I get what I need.   But I jealously guard my 'me time'.  I don't remember my mum ever looking after herself.  Then when she snapped, she snapped in a big way... whatever it was that had happened just opened the floodgates I guess.

I have avoided giving too much of myself in relationships so as not to feel depleted.  Sometimes my children deplete me.

In the storm of their relentless neediness, I cling to these little pieces of freedom.  

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