There are many in the mummy world who feel like they do too much. No time to themselves, always thinking of others... is it weird, or even a little abhorrent maybe that I think that I do the opposite?
I scramble to retain myself too much, I put myself first (to a certain degree). As long as the kids are comfortable, fed etc. (so I suppose I do put them first with basic needs) I need and fight for MY SPACE, my time. Sometimes I even push them away, or in particular Scarlett, to get that... No, I don't want to play. I want to read this magazine. No I will not do your nails, I'm finishing my coffee that I JUST made. I'm off to the gym. No... I love you, but just no....
Here's the truth: I don't like to play with my kids. I like to TALK to them. I like to cuddle them. I will colour (begrudingly); I will read books. I don't mind a board game occasionally. I just despise 'playing', particularly imaginative games like "schools" involving My Little Ponies. Who are these parents who "play" and seem to enjoy it? I missed that gene.
In fact I primarily gave birth to child number 2 specifically so number 1 would have someone other than me to play with. So far, that's not working out so well. (why didn't anyone tell me?!)
Does the fact that I don't like to play make me a bad mum?
I can pinpoint many other times I'm not selfish. If I'm watching a movie or eating I won't complain about pausing 190 times or letting my food go cold to get them drinks, change bums, wipe faces. I will always make sure they have what they need before I get what I need. But I jealously guard my 'me time'. I don't remember my mum ever looking after herself. Then when she snapped, she snapped in a big way... whatever it was that had happened just opened the floodgates I guess.
I have avoided giving too much of myself in relationships so as not to feel depleted. Sometimes my children deplete me.
In the storm of their relentless neediness, I cling to these little pieces of freedom.