Sunday, September 11, 2011

Seduction fail

Sex in a long-term relationship.  My assertion is it's either fraught, virtually non-existant or midly narcotic.  Add in trying to concieve while you have a child already, both working and both exhausted, and it's near on ridiculous... in an I-have-to-laugh-this-is-so-unsexy fashion.

One of the most hilarious aspects I've found is actually having to ask.  Since (excuse my generalisation) it's usually the woman who's tracking her cycle, this duty falls on her - and with a tiny 12-36 hour window to work in, time for subtleties fly out the window.

It's painful.  It's embarrassing.  But it just has to be done.

So here's a short list of the ways I've tried to ahem "seduce" The Tradie over the past months when the clock's gone "ding!".  

1. "Wanna Make Luuuuurve?" : yes, with deliberate Fabio impersonation. (I know, it was an attempt at levity)  I personally wouldn't recommend this method, unless your partner has a penchant for hairy chests, or old men in trenchcoats.

2. "We have to have sex tonight" : Wow, nothing like clean-your-teeth instructions to get that pulse racing.
3. "Let's have sex!" (with hand-clap and bubbly smile):  Yes, it came across as psychotic as it sounds.
4.  "Want to cuddle?":  Only once.  I nearly threw up in my mouth a little even as I said it.
5.  Tried sidling up on the couch and just holding hands suggestively.  I got "You want to watch Underbelly?".  Blokes don't do subtle.
6.  "You got 10 minutes?":  Hey, at least I didn't say five.
7.  My latest attempt, inspired by the movie:  "It's Date Night!"  (groan)

There's just no dignified way to do it.  At all.  For the millionth time I'm very glad I'm not a man.  How do you... ehm, "suggest" nookie to your significant other?  Or are you still in that touch-and-fall-in bed-naturally stage?  (I hate you.)

NB:  I know the above are lame, BUT, in my defense at least I haven't used that favourite of the fertility forums - "Baby Dancing" - a scary euphemism that reminds me of that dancing baby off Ally McBeal.  *shudder*


  1. Blow jobs.

    Yes, that is how you suggest sex, when you're TTC. Which, in itself is a nightmare and on the top of my Most Insanity Making Things list.

  2. Oh yeah... I forgot that one, but of course done it many a times myself! It just goes to show how VERY much we must want these babies.....
    hope they appreciate it, LOL ("The things your mother had to do...")